Sans Really Gets Around
by stripesthetiger11
Summary: Ah... Valentine's Day. Love is in the air. Time for ships! And who is shipped more than Sans?


**This is the worst fucking thing I've ever written. I'm serious. This was created by human hands. I didn't even bother to edit this.**

 **If you wanna know how bad it is, just look at the tags.**

 **Read at your own risk.**

 **WARNING: Although there is no sexual content, the language is pretty lewd, so heads up. And, uh... there might be an offensive joked relating to Sans and Frisk in there.**

* * *

Toriel smiled lovingly at her date, sipping her water with a pleasant hum as she enjoyed the warm air of the bar and grill. "I have to say, Sans, you always know the best places to bring me. I lobe the environment," she complimented, to which her small skeletal companion merely shrugged it off like it was no big deal. "What can I say? I'll a people-monster. I goat you," he chuckled, earning a giggle from his date. Grillby stood by silently, casually watching the two lovebirds eat in case he was needed for another order. Toriel had spoken to him a few times, though he didn't have much to say in return. It didn't matter much anyways, as her focus was solely on her partner for the night.

"Tonight's been wonderful, sugar skull," the motherly monster purred, giving Sans a light kiss on the skull. A faint blue came to the younger monster's skull as he looked to the side for a moment in underlying bashfulness. "Aw c'mon, Tori. It's nothing," he chuckled, "especially after you offered to pay for it." Toriel giggled and smiled down at him, an almost devious glint coming to her eyes. "Well, after we're done here, I'd love for you to come over to my home to get more familiar with each other," she told him, her voice now hushed. Sans was quickly a darker shade of blue, his grin widening at her offer. "Well, since you're offering," he murmured, "I wouldn't mind-"

The doors to the establishment were suddenly flung open with great force, startling every patron in the room. Toriel and Sans both shifted their attention to Asgore, who stood in the doorway, his expression stern, but hurt. Toriel immediately felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment as she turned her head to spare herself the shame. "Oh, Asgore…" she muttered under her breath, glancing over at Sans. Her date, it seems, had a similar reaction, trying not to pay the burly goat any mind.

"There you are!" Asgore declared, ducking under the doorway and approaching the two with a trembling breath. Toriel decided to save themselves the embarrassment, standing up from her stool to confront him herself. "Asgore," she murmured, "what are you doing here?" Asgore couldn't help but give her a glance, his stern eyes showing an underlying emotional wreck underneath. Still, he did not answer her question, leaving his ex-wife more than a little uneasy.

"Asgore…"

"So it's come to this?" the king rumbled, a hand on the chest of his dad sweater. "I trusted you both… and this is how you treat me?"

Toriel pinched the bridge between her eyes as she could only look down. She would have some serious apologizing to do if she wanted Sans to forgive her for this small screw up.

"Look, goat boy," Sans spoke up, swiveling around in his chair. "I'm sorry, but monster move on. Why-?"

"Save it!" Asgore snapped, his pain evident in the tremors within his voice. "I trusted you, Sans. I thought everything had been fine between us… I had accepted everything that had happened..." He sucked in a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he tried to keep his emotions in check. Toriel almost felt a pang of pity in her soul. Even if she didn't love him anymore, she still cared for him. He had always had difficulty dealing with their separation, and at some points in their strained relationships, she felt empathy for the big guy. However, this was unacceptable. Still, she let him finish, knowing he needed to get his emotions out.

It took a moment, but soon enough, he was back to a near shout as he directed his anger towards the troubled small skeleton. "But then… I find out you've left me for my ex-wife? How low will you go, Sans?"

Toriel shook her head, stepping towards him. "Asgore, please, let's go outsi- wait." The bar became strangely silent as she took a moment to rewind the conversation back a few seconds. Her brow furrowed as her embarrassment disappeared in a mere second. Before he knew it, Sans was the focus of her attention as well.

"Did he just say… you left him?" she asked, hoping it was just a misspoken phrase.

Sans' eyelights disappeared in his sockets for a moment as the spotlight was now solely on him. A stilted chuckle left him as he awkwardly stroked the back of his skull. "Well… ya see, Tori," he confessed cautiously, "I, uh… actually went out with Asgore a while back… so, uh, yeah."

Her mind boggled, Toriel stopped to just stare at him, trying to make sense of everything. "You... Asgore… a while back?" she sputtered, just not understanding what was going on. Asgore cleared things up a little by leaning over to her and whispering, "By 'a while back', he means yesterday." Toriel stared, disbelief clouding her senses as she was no longer aware of anyone else.

"But don't think you're the only one who's done the other wrong," Asgore told Sans, stepping forward to get another word in. "To tell you the truth… I've been unfaithful in out relationship."

This was news to Sans, who sat up a little straighter with the tops of his sockets raised. "Whoa, really?" he asked, clearly shocked, but not in utter disbelief like Toriel. "Well with who?"

"I've been fucking your father on the side," Asgore admitted.

On cue, Doctor W. D. Gaster pushed through the doors, his entire frame a droopy mess as his physical structure had been reduced to the same consistency as a Muk from Pokémon. "Oh, hello son," he greeted, giving him a little wave with a detached hand.

Sans blinked in surprise, but generally having no other reaction. "Whoa. You're alive?" he asked, acting like his father coming back from another plain of existence was mundane.

"Yyyup," Gaster chuckled, mucking over to the bar and slapping his wet body on one of the stools. "Pretty neat, huh son?"

"Yeah, it's cool," Sans shrugged. "But since when have you been back?"

"Oh you haven't heard?" came a familiar voice. The next thing anyone knew, Mettaton had leaped in a flopped his sexy body on the counter of the bar, his head on his hand and a leg propped up Titanic style. "He's been fucking the king for weeks now!"

Sans' mood was immediately dampened by the robot's presence, grimacing with as much facial movement as he could muster. "What's up with him?" Gaster asked, sipping a wine he had just ordered from Grillby.

"Oh, he's been like this around be ever since I left him," Mettaton chuckled, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the counter.

"Wait, you've dated Mettaton, too?" Toriel babbled, her eyes widened in further shock. "You've been with two other men?"

Grillby suddenly coughed suddenly, catching their attention. Toriel looked over at him, only for him to wiggle his flame suggestively. Her jaw dropped in utter disbelief. "Three? You've been with three other men, one of them being my ex-husband?"

Another cough came from Gaster.

Toriel almost choked on her words. "And your father?" she gasped. Sans could only shrug. "What can I say? I'm interested in men more than women," he admitted. "I like ya and all that, too, so I guess I can go both ways." He didn't seem to get her baffled nature. "Sans, that is your father!" She clarified, to which she only got a inquiring look. "So?" he asked, as if there was nothing wrong with it? She could hardly even believe what she was hearing right now. "That's incest, Sans!" she exclaimed. The small skeleton just chuckled and shook her head. "No, it's fontcest," he corrected her. Obviously she had no idea what that even meant, but Gaster was happy to lean over and whisper a word of advice to her. "Just go with it," he hushed, "it makes thing a lot more legal."

Toriel felt as though she was about to collapse in place. This wasn't real. This was some sort of delusion and she was just high of Temmie Flakes or something. That had to be the answer, as it was the only one that made sense. "Who else have you been with?" she demanded.

Immediately the entire establishment was filled with coughs from it various patrons. Dear god.

"Am I the only woman you've been with, Sans?" she queried, sounding almost defeated at that moment.

Before Sans could properly answer, a piece of the roof gave way as Undyne smashed through the ceiling from above, Alphys tucked carefully under her arm as her feet smashed against the top of the counter. "Hell no you ain't!" Undyne exclaimed. "If anyone's to blame for taking Sans' puny woman virginity, it's this little cutie over here!" She held up Alphys, who gave a bashful nod. "W-we used to work together," she murmured, looking to the side. "Of course, I had to have a piece of that action. I mean, have you ever seen a skeleton dick before?"

Toriel was speechless, unsure of what to say. Still, she mustered out something despite her fading will to keep going. "No… I'm afraid to say I ha-"

"It's not that great," Undyne shrugged. "Like, seriously. Just a heads up. Every bit of his body is in correct proportions."

"You said it," Mettaton agreed, smirking down at Sans, who looked away in disgruntled embarrassment. "Oh darling, no need to get so upset just because I left you for your hot-ass brother."

Sans' skull shot up to stare at the robot. "Did you just call me brother a hot ass?" he scoffed, seeming almost offended for a moment, before really thinking about it. He looked up at Mettaton. "I agree."

As he was agreeing to how hot his brother was, the doors suddenly flung open and Frisk marched in, dressed up in a tiny little suit and with a bundle of roses.

"Oh god," Sans sighed, rolling his eyelights as Frisk proudly presented the flowers to him. "Look, kid, it's over. Get over it," he muttered. "We've been together for three weeks. It didn't work out. I'm just not interested, okay?"

Toriel was now appalled. "Wait, you? And Frisk?" she damned near shrieked, looking between the two former lover. "But they're a child!"

"Hey, the age of consent is different all around," Sans defended himself. "Where it might be eighteen in one place, it could be sixteen in another. Hell, in Japan, the age of consent of consent is as young as thirteen there!"

"Well… yeah," Alphys said slowly. "But Frisk is eight."

The bar was silent as Sans stared back. "Uh…" was the only thing he could really say.

However, he was quickly spared from someone calling the police when a giant tear in time and space suddenly ripped through the establishment, startling everyone in the bar near half to death. Out of the black tear stepped a small and familiar looking figure. It looked exactly like Sans, in fact, but with a black coat, red eyelights, and sharpened teeth, one of them golden. He looked around, slightly surprised the place was so jam-packed. "Whoa, what's going on here?"

"Fell! How ya doin'?" Sans greeted, standing up and sauntering over with a bottle of ketchup as everyone sort of just stared awkwardly. "What're you doing here?" The Sans clone just shrugged, going over and grabbing a bottle of mustard off the counter. "I was trying to call Blue for a booty call, but he wasn't picking up. So, I'm here. You aren't busy tonight, are ya? I'm hella horny, but my bro's not giving up any," he explained.

Toriel stared at the two, not even surprised anymore at this point. "You fucked yourself?" she asked bluntly, no longer sounding shocked.

"I fucked myself," Sans confirmed.

"Fucked me and, like, fifteen of our alternates. Oh, and our brow. Fun night, remember that?" Red chuckled. "Eyy," Sans agreed, touching their bottles together as a sort of cheer before taking a simultaneous swig.

Toriel just turned around, went over to the bar, and ordered some whiskey. She was going to need it for tonight.

"Dude, sorry we ruined your date, bro. So, what now?" Undyne asked, her brow furrowed. Sans just shrugged the apology off, but went to thinking about what to do now that he was single again. "Eh…," he muttered, thinking hard about it pretty hard. "Well… what about an orgy?"


End file.
